Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994, Alan Metter)

PA7

In this leaden, lifeless, lacklustre final Police Academy movie – with only two remaining members of the class of ’84 – the team travel to Russia for, Jesus, some lame reason, I don’t know, I don’t care any more. It’s such a dreadful film, not even managing to be kitsch fun. Christopher Lee plays a Russian general – that’s how awful it is. And it has the most irritating ADR dialogue imaginable. Every “Hmm!” and “Ah!” dubbed over a reaction shot makes your skin crawl with its ineptitude. Here’s the final rundown of running gags and clichés…

Hightower uses his strength! – He’s not in it. Lucky guy

Tackleberry shoots! – When someone trips him up, he does an elaborate gymnastic spin in the air; when demonstrating an arrest on Harris, he takes it too far. He pulls his gun on some people in a sauna, and wants to open a safe by shooting it.

Jonesey’s sound effects! – Squeeky chalk on a blackboard; engine noises as he messes about on a BMX; a blender; a safe opening; Oriental music as he meditates; noisy footsteps; and echoes when someone gives a speech.

Hooks shouts ‘Dirtbag!’ – She’s not in it. Lucky girl.

Callahan’s chest! – While singing undercover in a nightclub, she falls off he piano and ends up sitting on the pianist, crotch in face. When kidnapped by the bad guy (Ron Pearlman), she dresses in lingerie.

Harris shouts ‘Proctor!’ – Proctor’s vanished. Harris says, “Move it! Move it! Move it!” four times. He gets covered in garbage; blows himself up; and goes out on stage (in a ballerina costume) at the Bolshoi.

Lassard is a bit, um, vague! – He pushes a recruit over a barrier; still has fish on his desk; doesn’t notice Harris’s obvious bugging device; and gets in the wrong car at the airport – so spends most of the film with a Russian family.

Obvious replacement characters! – Mahoney’s replacement, Nick, has himself been replaced by the equally boring Kyle Connors (Charlie Schlatter).

Homophobic!/Racist! – The whole thing is pathetically xenophobic. During the nonsensical credit sequence, a stuntman appears to be blacked up to play Jones.

Bare breasts! – There are some topless women in a sauna scene – the series’s first female nudity since film two.

Famous totty – Claire Forlani, who played Colin’s girlfriend in Press Gang, appears as drab Russian translator Katrina.

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