Carry On Cruising (1962)

The captain of an ocean liner wants promotion, but first he must contend with a final voyage with a largely new crew…

What’s it spoofing? Cruise holidays.

Funniest moment: “A captain needs to understand his men and that’s why I am going to psychoanalyse you. That bloke Freud knew what he was talking about. On the other hand, I’m not a Jung man…”

The Big 10: For the first time, we get a Carry On film without Hattie Jacques or Charles Hawtrey. The latter had demanded top billing and a star on his dressing-room door, so was promptly dropped! Joan Sims is also missing. She was having a relationship with a Pinewood Studios technician, which was frowned upon by the draconian-minded management, so was kicked off this movie at short notice.

* Sid James (3) is Captain Wellington Crowther, another authority figure who’s frustrated with his underlings.

* Kenneth Williams (6) plays the ship’s second-in-command, Leonard Marjoribanks (pronounced Marchbanks).

* Kenneth Connor (6) plays the crew’s medic, Dr Arthur Binn. It’s a more confident persona than his earlier characters; he falls for and woos a passenger called Flo.

Notable others:

* Lance Percival replaced Hawtrey in the cast, as cook Wilfred Haynes. He’s a cocky so-and-so, but doesn’t know the nautical lingo and gets seasick very easily.

* Liz Fraser is back from Carry On Regardless. She plays passenger Gladys Trimble, who’s on holiday to get away from men but keeps eyeing them up.

* Dilys Laye appears as Flo, Glad’s mate and the object of Binn’s affections. She wants to find a husband and, in the throws of a ‘dad fad’, becomes the first young blonde in the series to lust after Sid James. Laye joined the cast three days before filming to replace Joan Sims.

* Ronnie Stevens is very funny as an alcoholic passenger who races to the ship’s bar as soon as everyone else goes on shore leave.

Top totty: A second win for Liz Fraser.

Kenneth Williams says: “Came back to flat, and read script of Carry On Cruising, the usual crap.” – Wednesday 20 December 1961 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p183)

“Pinewood at 10.30. Did one shot after lunch and that was all. Ronnie Stevens whom I abhor is on this picture, as the Drunk. Not such a bad fellow. Rather colourless & suburban but harmless, my abhorrence not warranted. I felt v. sorry for him as I watched him do a scene today. He orders a drink and the waiter says, ‘Sherry, sir? Yes. Dry, sweet?’ Reply: ‘Of course I’m dry. And not so much familiarity…’ And it failed completely. Not an ounce of humour left in it. Very sad indeed.” – Monday 15 January 1962 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p184)

Review: The first Carry On made in colour – though we haven’t seen the last of black and white – this has dialogue bursting with puns and wordplay. But sadly it often falls flat. There’s a smaller than usual main cast and generally feels rather limp. Boring at times, actually. Stock footage aside, the whole thing was shot in a studio and there’s a nice knowing gag about how stable the ship is.

Five ping-pong balls out of 10

Carry On Regardless (1961)

Helping Hands is an employment agency that offers any service a customer might require – cleaner, translator, waiter, babysitter, dog-walker, dogsbody, boxer’s second…

What’s it spoofing? The concept of the film – essentially a gimmick to justify lots of self-contained comedy scenes – was based on a real company, Universal Aunts, which offered any service as long as it was legal.

Funniest moment: An Englishman (Terence Alexander off of Bergerac) hires Francis Courtenay to translate for him when his German wife will only argue in her own language…

The Big 10:

* Sid James (2) plays Bert Handy, the boss of the company. He therefore doesn’t get a huge amount to do yet still feels central.

* Kenneth Connor (5) is Sam Twist, who begins the film as a Labour Exchange clerk. When his punters all rush off to work for Helping Hands, he joins them. He’s a typically nervous but good-natured Connor character, who gets a fun sequence that parodies The 39 Steps.

* Kenneth Williams (5) reprises his upper-crust intellectual as Francis Courtenay. One of his assignments is to take a pet chimpanzee for a walk.

* Joan Sims (4) is often very funny as HH employee Lily Duveen – her best solo spot comes when the character gets plastered at a posh wine-tasting event.

* Charles Hawtrey (5) takes part in a boxing match and visits a strip show as Gabriel Dimple.

* Hattie Jacques (5) was originally meant to be one of the main gang, but illness prevented her taking part. Her intended role was heavily rewritten, with Liz Fraser cast as a replacement. Then, near the end of shooting, Jacques came in for a day’s work to cameo as a hospital sister.

Notable others:

* Terence Longdon appears in a Carry On for the final time, as minor HH staffer Montgomery Infield-Hopping.

* Bill Owen is likewise a secondary member of the gang: Mike Weston.

* Liz Fraser is joint female lead with Joan Sims. She plays Delia King, a beauty whose jobs include modelling underwear in her high heels for a nervous husband.

* Stanley Unwin appears a few times as Bert’s landlord. His unique style of speaking (called Unwinese and used on many other projects) is brilliant because it sounds so tantalisingly close to English. Only Kenneth Williams – who later mentioned loving the scenes in his autobiography – can understand the gobbledygook.

* Fenella Fielding is in one of the episodes as a husky-voiced, cleavage-thrusting housewife.

* Fred Griffiths – my mate Johnny’s great uncle – plays the taxi driver who gets a killer gag when Kenneth Williams wants a lift with the chimp. “I’ll take you but not your brother!”

* Nicholas Parsons has a tiny role in the wine-tasting scene. It’s his only Carry On appearance, reportedly because he annoyed director Gerald Thomas by asking for more takes.

* Joan Hickson is in the same hospital sequence as Hattie Jacques – oddly, their roles from Carry On Nurse have been reversed, so here Hickson is the matron.

* Betty Marsden has a cameo in the 39 Steps spoof.

* Norman Rossington plays a boxing referee.

Top totty: Liz Fraser.

Kenneth Williams says: “Got wet again in the House sequence. Suggested gag about the outhouse, greenhouse, washhouse and etc. shithouse, and they put it in! Hope it works. No cold as yet.” – Friday 30 December 1960 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p167)

“Saw Carry On Regardless which was quite terrible. An unmitigated disaster.” – Friday 17 March 1961 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p171)

Review: The episodic structure – it’s just a series of sketches, really – means the whole film zips along, and if you don’t like one sequence then another will start soon. It’s the first Carry On to push into silly and surreal territory, while another big development, which has bubbled away in earlier films, is male wish-fulfillment. Sex, or more accurately the possibility of sex, is not far away from many of the situations. The scene where a male doctor gives medicals to female nurses (who are dressed in underwear but still with their caps on) gets a proto-gurn from Sid James. And when he’s later rumbled trying to do the same thing, he gives us his first classic cackle. The most enjoyable film so far.

Eight chimpanzees out of 10

Carry On, Constable (1960)

A flu epidemic means a trio of trainee officers are drafted in to help staff a local police station…

What’s it spoofing? The police. Popular drama Dixon of Dock Green had been running on the BBC since July 1955, so perhaps that influenced the choice of subject matter.

Funniest moment: Going undercover to sniff out some shoplifters in a department store, Constables Benson and Gorse dress up as old ladies – dubbing themselves Agatha and Ethel. Of course, they finger the wrong suspect and then the shop’s staff refuse to believe that they’re police officers.

The Big 10:

* Sid James (1) joins the team, playing Sergeant Frank Williams. It’s more of an honest, decent character than the ones he’ll become famous for. He’s the straight man, around whom all the chaos goes on.

* Hattie Jacques (4) plays Sergeant Laura Moon, who gets a sweet subplot with Frank.

* Kenneth Connor (4) is the superstitious Constable Constable, who falls for fellow officer Passworthy but can’t proceed until he knows her star sign.

* Kenneth Williams (4) pushes the buffoonery up a notch as Constable Stanley Benson, who’s obsessed with criminology and thinks he can identify villains by their bone structure.

* Charles Hawtrey (4) plays Special Constable Timothy Gorse, who gets a Hawtrey “Hello!” as he makes his entrance.

* Joan Sims (3) plays Policewoman Gloria Passworthy. Notably, Sims and Jacques’s characters are the most unruffled, confident and good at their jobs.

Notable others:

* Eric Barker returns from Carry On Sergeant to play the vague station chief, Inspector Mills.

* Leslie Phillips – in his third Carry On in a row but his last for 32 years – has fun as Constable Tom Potter (“Tom Potter, none hotter!” he quips). When we first meet him, he and his colleagues are searching for the police station, so he taps a jewel thief on the shoulder and asks for directions. He fancies a WPC called Harrison, but when she gets the flu he switches his attentions to Passworthy.

* Joan Hickson is hilarious as a well-to-do middle-aged woman who keeps getting arrested for being drunk. “I usually have that nice cell with the southern exposure…”

* Shirley Eaton makes a third and final appearance in the series. Despite her prominent credit on the poster, it’s only a cameo: she plays Sally Barry, a woman having relationship issues who gets mistaken for a burglar. Her opening scene is the first time there’s a topless woman in a Carry On movie. Lucky old Leslie Phillips gets an eyeful, but all we see is her back.

* Terence Longdon has one scene as Herbert Hall, a conman who tries to get £50 out of Constable Benson.

Top totty: Shirley Eaton. A hat-trick of wins in this category.

Kenneth Williams says: “First day filming. The location is a dreary house in Ealing. Water dripping everywhere. Rain pouring down. Charming. And me bum not v. pleasant.” – Monday 9 November 1959 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p157).

“Trade show Carry On Constable, Studio One. 10.30. It was mediocre and tired. I think everyone knew it. On to the Mirabelle for drinks and chatted with Kenneth Connor. He is without doubt the loveliest character of all. Must write him a note, to take it easy. He looked so tired and strained.” – Thursday 18 February 1960 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p161).

Review: Like the first three films, this is essentially sympathetic towards the profession it’s ridiculing. They might be buffoons, but these police officers are decent people. However, the series is evolving in other ways. There’s some nudity for the first time, for example. The male nakedness is played for laughs; the women are there to titillate. We also get an unusually large amount of location filming on the streets of Ealing. And the recognisable character types are also starting to emerge: Hawtrey’s friendly, effeminate mummy’s boy; Williams’s upper-class snob; Sid James’s jovial everyman… The film passes 80 minutes divertingly enough, though sadly it’s rarely actually that funny.

Five cold showers out of 10

Carry On Teacher (1959)

The headmaster of Maudlin Street Secondary Modern School wishes to apply for another job. However, first he must contend with two outside evaluators and a spate of pupil-led pranks…

What’s it spoofing? The education system, specifically the way in which it was changing in the 1950s. Whether or not caning is a good idea gets discussed, for example – it was on the way out, though wouldn’t actually be outlawed until 1987. Another influence must have surely been the successful school-based comedy movies The Belles of St Trinian’s (1954) and Blue Murder at St Trinian’s (1957). Years later, Morrissey name-checked Carry On Teacher’s school in his song Late Night, Maudlin Street.

Funniest moment: The teaching staff get drunk on spiked cups of tea.

The Big 10:

* Joan Sims (2) plays games mistress Sarah Allcock, who’s full of simmering 1950s sexuality.

* Charley Hawtrey (3) appears as Michael Bean, the self-important music teacher.

* Hattie Jacques (3) isn’t a million miles away from her matron character of the last film – here she plays Grace Short, the pro-caning maths teacher.

* Kenneth Connor (3) plays the vague, scatty science master, Gregory Adams. He gets lots of spoonerisms in his dialogue, which Connor deals with brilliantly.

* Kenneth Williams (3) has entertaining bursts of anger as pragmatic literature teacher Edwin Milton.

Notable others:

* Ted Ray, a huge radio star of the era, was drafted in to play the film’s lead – headmaster Mr Wakefield. It was intended that Ray become a permanent member of the team, but contractual issues put paid to that after this single appearance.

* Richard O’Sullivan, then just 15, plays the pupil with the most screen time. Robin Stevens is the ringleader of the ‘saboteurs’ (as they’re called in the credits). It’s not the most famous Robin the actor played – 14 years later, he appeared as Robin Tripp in entertaining ITV sitcom Man About The House and its spin-off Robin’s Nest.

* Leslie Phillips returns from Carry On Nurse, here playing child psychologist Alistair Grigg. He says ‘Ding-dong’ and falls instantly in love with Sarah Allcock. The way he says her surname is understated filth.

* Also back from the preceding movie is Rosalind Knight, playing Ministry of Education evaluator Miss Wheeler. She’s attracted to Gregory Adams.

* Jeremy Bulloch (Boba Fett in two Star Wars films) is one of the school kids.

Top totty: Joan Sims wins by default.

Kenneth Williams says: “Started filming Carry On Teacher at Pinewood. Funny feeling. I expected more warmth on set. Everyone seemed a bit withdrawn – nice enough but withdrawn – perhaps it’s just the first day.” – Monday 9 March 1959 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p149).

“Pinewood 5, for a party, end of film. Got rather drunk and behaved stupidly with some electrics [sic – does he mean a studio technician?] and said to meet here on Sat. Of course I shall have to be out.” – Tuesday 14 April 1959 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p149).

Review: There are decent acting performances in this, rather than the OTT turns of later Carry Ons. There’s also slightly more of a plot than the first two films, yet still loose enough to have an episodic structure. The slapstick is often the funniest stuff. There’s also a serious side concerning a satire of corporal punishment and, like in Carry On Sergeant, a touching, feel-good finale.

Six whistle peas out of 10

Carry On Nurse (1959)

A few days in the life of a hospital surgical ward, following both the patients – an injured boxer, an undercover journalist, a down-on-his-luck aristocrat and others – and the overworked staff…

What’s it spoofing? The NHS, which when this film came out was less than 12 years old. The movie is a loose adaptation of a play called Ring for Catty by Patrick Cargill and Jack Beale. (Oddly, so was the 1962 comedy Twice Round the Daffodils, which was directed by Gerald Thomas, written by Norman Hudis and featured Kenneth Williams, Joan Sims and Jill Ireland – all of whom had worked on Carry On Nurse!) Another influence must have been the successful adaptations of Richard Gordon’s medical-based comic novels – so far, there’d been Doctor in the House (1954), Doctor at Sea (1955) and Doctor at Large (1957); another four followed after Carry On Nurse.

Funniest moment: A group of patients get drunk and decide to operate on Mr Bell’s bunion – they have a book to tell them the procedure, and a cylinder of laughing gas to knock him out…

The Big 10:

* Joan Sims (1) makes her Carry On debut as accident-prone nurse Stella Dawson (a role first offered to Dora Bryan). It’s easy to see why she became a part of the team: she’s very funny.

* Kenneth Connor (2) plays nervous boxer Bernie Bishop, who’s bust his wrist during a bout. Connor’s young son also cameos as Bernie’s son.

* Kenneth Williams (2) shows his acting chops (and keeps the campery switched off) as Oliver Reckitt, an academic who gets a romantic subplot.

* Charley Hawtrey (2) plays Humphrey Hinton, a dotty patient who constantly listens to the radio on his headphones: he laughs along at comedy, mimes playing the piano when it’s music, and gets wrapped up in soap opera Mrs Dale’s Diary.

* Hattie Jacques (2) premiers her stern, officious matron, a character type she’ll return to later.

Notable others:

* One of the first two people you see – a pair of ambulance drivers more concerned with hearing the racing results than their patient – is played by character actor Fred Griffiths, who was my mate Johnny Hughes’s great uncle.

* Terence Longdon returns from Carry On Sergeant. Here, he’s playing newspaper reporter Edward York, who has appendicitis but is urged by his editor to write about his hospital stay. This subplot was trimmed down and shorn of its exposé nature – originally, it was going to highlight nurses’ low pay and the like. Funnily enough, an insert shot of Edward’s feet is actually of future Carry On star Bernard Bresslaw, who was in Pinewood on the relevant day so – as it were – stood in.

* Joan Hickson plays the ward sister.

* Bill Owen, another Sergeant veteran, plays chain-smoking patient Mr Hickson.

* Shirley Eaton returns too – here as staff nurse Dorothy Denton, who has a flirtation with Edward York.

* Wilfred Hyde White gets a special credit for his role as the Colonel, a patient with a private room who gets the caretaker to place his bets and constantly calls for the nurses. The movie’s famous punchline is the Matron finding him with a daffodil up the bum (a practical joke played on him by the nurses).

* Norman Rossington cameos as a vague, punch-drunk boxing buddy of Bernie’s.

* Leslie Phillips shows up late on as Mr Bell, the guy with the bunion. “Ding-dong,” he says within seconds of arriving: one of Carry On’s earliest catchphrases.

* June Whitfield gets a scene as Megsy, Bell’s girlfriend.

* Rosalind Knight is very funny as naïve, ditzy Nurse Nightingale.

* Jill Ireland plays Oliver’s love interest.

Top totty: Shirley Eaton (who also won this category for Sergeant) is daydream pretty. And playing a nurse. Not a bad combination.

Kenneth Williams says: “Saw rushes of the love scene today. They are very good I think. Both [producer Peter] Rodgers and Gerry [Thomas, director] congratulated me.” – Friday 14 November 1958 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p146).

“Up at 630 for Pinewood call. Out there all day and never in one shot. Outrageous.” – Wednesday 3 December 1958 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p146).

Review: The tone of the series is now edging towards ribald humour – “What a fuss about such a little thing,” quips a nurse after she’s pulled a coy Bernie’s trousers down – and there are some fun bits of slapstick too. But this is still a largely innocent, gentle character-based comedy. The lack of a through-line means it can be a bit meandering, but it’s enjoyable enough.

Six daffodils out of 10

Carry On Sergeant (1958)

An Army sergeant who’s about to retire makes a £50 bet that his final group of National Servicemen will be named the best platoon. However, the recruits are a bunch of misfits…

What’s it spoofing? The concept of National Service conscription (every man between 18 and 21 having to serve two years in the armed forces). The year before, it had been announced that National Service would cease in 1960 – so this movie was marking an era soon to end. Another big influence was ITV sitcom The Army Game (1957-1961), a 154-episode monster hit that shared three of its cast and one of its writers with Carry On Sergeant.

Funniest moment: Captain Potts interrogating new intake James Bailey on the parade ground. Potts: “Who are you?” Bailey: “James Bailey, BSc, economics.” P: “Your number?” B: “I’m not proud of it; it was given to me. I earned my degree.” P: “Your rank?” B: “Well, that’s a matter of opinion.” P [tapping his officer’s pips]: “Look at this, man!” B: “You’ve nothing to complain of. Look at the suit they’ve given me…”

The Big 10: Of the 10 Carry On stars with the most appearances in the series, four feature in this first film.

* Kenneth Connor (1) is very funny as psychology-obsessed hypochondriac Horace Strong.

* Charley Hawtrey (1) gets an entrance where he says a polite “Hello” – we’ll see that again. He plays the meek, friendly, effeminate Peter Golightly. (Connor and Hawtrey have the distinction of appearing in the first scene ever filmed for a Carry On: a conversation in the mess, shot in March 1958.)

* Kenneth Williams (1) is excellent as the louche, laid-back, learned James Bailey.

* Hattie Jacques (1) appears in a few scenes as the camp’s unsympathetic medical officer, Captain Clarke. Most of her scenes are with Connor’s permanently uncomfortable Horace.

Notable others:

* Bob Monkhouse, in his only Carry On, is the de facto lead within the platoon. Charlie Sage is called up on his wedding day in the film’s opening scene.

* Shirley Eaton (later Goldfinger’s iconic Jill Masterson) plays Charlie’s new wife, Mary, who sneaks herself into the camp so they can have their matrimonial perks.

* William Hartnell is terrific as Grimshaw, the eponymous sergeant. The character is tough on the outside, but not an arsehole, and he has a touching final moment. Hartnell is the first of two Doctor Whos to appear in a Carry On.

* Norman Rossington, who was later in A Hard Day’s Night, plays the dopey Herbert, a simple, perennial National Serviceman.

* Eric Barker is good fun as the befuddled Captain Potts.

* Bill Owen – later Compo in 487 series of Last of the Summer Wine – plays Grimshaw’s second in command.

* Terry Scott has a cameo as the Paddy O’Brien, the sergeant with whom Grimshaw makes his bet. Ten years after this, Scott would join the Carry On team for several more films.

* Dora Bryan plays Nora, the soppy kitchen worker who befriends Mary and falls for Horace.

* Terence Longdon plays the aristocratic Heywood, who arrives at the camp in such a nice car (and with such a pretty girlfriend) that Grimshaw obsequiously assumes he must be an officer.

Top totty: Shirley Eaton is beautiful.

Kenneth Williams says: “Filming at Pinewood. Bob Monkhouse is sensitive and kind. Ken Connor is v. amusing, and Norman Rossington a good fellow. The director is Gerry Thomas. V. charming.” – Wednesday 9 April 1958 (The Kenneth Williams Diaries, p141)

Review: A likeable if gentle ensemble comedy. There are some ongoing plots – the bet, Charlie trying to get his end away – but it’s mostly a sketch-show format. Some bits are better than others, but it’s often amusing. More wry smiles than belly laughs, though. It’s brisk too: only 80 minutes.

Seven chits out of 10